I cannot express how angry it makes me when I pick up the phone and get a really annoying person on the other end of it chatting shit, trying to sell me something or telling me I have been in an accident!

Take today for example; I answer the phone and I have a person telling me his name was Eric and he was calling me as there was a problem with my computer – Really?

No, correction Eric there is absolutely nothing wrong with my computer!  So, no matter what this person from Mumbai tells me about the server and the problems I am experiencing whilst attempting to cloud my normal judgement with his heavy accent and technical speak it all simply contributes in raising my heckles even higher and immediately loses all effect!    

If there is any sort of problem Eric AKA Dev, it lays firmly at your door, in fact it is you for choosing to piss off the wrong person today or any day! 

Why don’t you get yourself a different job where you stop trying to confuse and mislead people.  I fear for any elderly person who may be fooled by this and enter into a totally unnecessary and what could be certainly stressful and potentially expensive conversation!

In between the mutterings trying to persuade me his call is genuine the red mist starts to appear before my eyes and the anger I feel is so immense I let him have it all barrels going until I slam the phone down – who is this person and WTF is he doing calling me and more to the point HTF has he got my number?

Eric is not alone in calling me to tell me my computer is poorly, has a virus, needs attention, is going to explode etc and the last person who dared to alter my mood so early in the day was advised guess what sucker I don’t have a computer so stick that in your shisha pipe and smoke it!  Challenged and now not so much to say!  Surprise, surprise, how about that sucker, what’s your next move?  Well what a surprise he ended the call!

And how many calls have I received telling me I have had an accident – the very same accident I know knack all about – so in my mischievous way whilst on the move and in the car when one of these calls came through I began my revenge!  When was this accident, how did it happen, OMG I have had an accident, I must be hurt, what were my injuries, can I, will I ever walk again?  I beg for answers and became so distressed I could feel an Oscar within reach!  The best of it was when perfectly timed I decided to totally freak the person on the other end of the phone out sufficiently, catching them completely off guard as I screamed as loud as I could and then sobbed into the dashboard and my blue tooth, “OMG because you have been talking to me I have had an accident” Never had I been left hanging so quickly!

And as for PPI I just cannot help but indulge myself and agree yes, I am owed PPI – by who?  Well who can I choose from?  Then I go through the list agreeing to each and every one – the person on the other end of the phone is almost shaking with excitement mentally calculating all the 30/40% cuts they may get from little old me only to discover, its all a big fat whopping lie!

As for guttering, fascia’s, windows and doors bring it on - they are still trying to work out my quote for 32 windows 10 doors and guttering and fascia’s for all my 15 properties!

Seriously what ever happened to good old fashioned heavy breathing?