One of my biggest pet hates is jogging.  To be more specific people that jog; “joggers”. 

I know I am not alone in how I feel or the only one who gets irritated by people who indulge themselves in this pointless pastime or so-called sporting activity; dogs, cyclists, drivers, pedestrians who have innocently stepped out for a stroll and finally let’s not forget that other group of people who choose to ‘run’.  Yes, it is official even ‘runners’ don’t like joggers – basically joggers just need to jog on!     

What is it all about? 

I don’t think I have ever seen a happy jogger!  Every face pounding the pavements looks absolutely miserable, in pain or just painfully miserable!

Red faces, sweaty faces, strained expressions, strange movements, even stranger choices of outfits on display with lycra so tight that on men, you can see their religion.  All shapes and sizes jiggle and joggle around and normally on busy stretches of road where surely it would be healthier just to suck on an exhaust pipe and be done with it!

Firstly, I can’t say to date that any of them have prompted me into immediately rushing out to the nearest JD Sports and investing in some jazzy unforgiving neon lycra that show every lump and bump, a pair of Nike Air Zoom Pegasus 34 and not forgetting the fancy, expensive water bottle to carry in one hand or strap around my person and iPad Air in the other!

To date no one I have seen has ever inspired me enough to leave the safety of my sofa and scuttle out onto the street where I live to endure what only looks like a form of torture!

Do I feel the need to jog?  No.  Do I feel the need to run?  Not unless being chased by a pack of wild dogs or perhaps if the breeze blew away a winning lottery ticket, but in the norm it’s a big fat no!  Walking is a perfectly fine way of getting from ‘a’ to ‘b’ or using the car when ‘a’ to ‘b’ becomes a bit more adventurous or its pelting down.  However in reality I cant recall the last time I did any running and that's even after jogging my memory (the only part of me that will ever be associated with this unncessary evil act of uncordinated movement in a public place!).

Now I digress as I feel the need to address the difference between joggers and runners and its not rocket science so won’t take long, it’s just a matter of speed!

However, if you asked people that run what the difference is they would have a completely different view and at least 101 reasons to why running is seen as more serious and a romantic bid for freedom, whereas jogging is seen as nothing but a slog to keep fit or to lose the midlife gut/takeaway tyre/beer baby.

One definition describes jogging as running slower than 6 miles per hour. Running is sometimes defined as requiring a moment of no contact to the ground, whereas jogging often sustains the contact.  Jogging is also distinguished from running by having a wider lateral spacing of foot strikes, creating side-to-side movement that likely adds stability at slower speeds or when coordination is lacking.(what a load of shit!).

And as for it being a healthy living lifestyle choice or for losing weight I note that the women instead of glowing with health, look sickly and the ones that are thin are bony and gaunt and the ones that are fat are just fat, their sweat is just their fat crying out ‘keep it up’ and even after seeing them time and time again doing their jogging thing; they remain fat!  Faces both fat or thin, both etched with lines and worry! 

So, we have established that running at any pace is bad for women’s faces, as they seem to develop a “runner’s face”—old, saggy skin and elastic jowls because of too much bouncing and whilst on the subject of bouncing let’s talk about breasts! 

All that bouncing can’t be good for the girls, right?  The bouncing movements from running do not make breasts sag as running tones and tightens muscles, giving the breasts more support, not less.  However, the truth is inevitably, breasts will start to droop no matter what you do, due to the natural ageing process.

Also, be prepared for your toenails turning black and breaking off!   

Digression over!  Another bug bear of mine is when you see someone jogging you know and unwillingly stop to talk and what do they do in return?  Keep jogging on the spot. How terribly rude and unnecessary which makes me instantly angry and feel like joining in and I would if I wasn’t wearing my favourite pair of tarts trotters!

I also get instantly pissed when out walking the dogs when joggers come in pairs or even threes and decide to form a line as they trot towards us as if it is ok that we are knocked off our path or my face gets sprayed with fat sweat!  It would appear that joggers seem to feel that they have right of way whether it be a pavement or grass verge or in a park or any public pathway.

What about all those annoying and smug tweets stating what a great run they had around the park, around the block, up and down the high street as they make their broccoli smoothie.  No one – not even other runners – wants to read this kind of self-congratulatory crap trying to make those who don’t run feel guilty.  There is never a time when a non-runner/jogger will read those tweets and smile. We all, whatever our levels of fitness, hate them.

I am beginning to form the opinion that at the very least all joggers should be fined for being unhappy, miserable and in pain and inflicting their horrible habit onto us. 

Perhaps pathways should be specially designed for joggers a bit like cyclists lanes.  However, given the lack of space pavements and roads currently offer, fat joggers will have to find alternative way to lose weight or perhaps just take the opportunity to remain on their couches for the rest of their lives and eat junk.  After all in this day and age they make really outsize clothes to guarantee fabulous is how you can look on the way to the kebab shop!

Jogging - its a lot like walking only faster!

That awkward moment when your wearing Nike & you just cant do it!

Whilst I was out jogging today, I heard someone clapping me on - it was my thighs!

I run because its good for me and because I overeat and drink too much!