Do you argue?

If you don’t, frankly, you’re either a liar or just weird. Or maybe passive aggressive? Or just passive? Or perhaps all of them!  Everyone argues!  Don’t they?..

Apart from me!  I don’t argue, I just simply take time out to explain to others why I am right!  But if only it was that simple! 

Perhaps you’re not the one who starts the argument, but just dutifully joins in, only after biting your tongue to the point of bleeding!  A very true situation for people who live with someone who perpetually picks fault expecting no reaction, no repercussions, but their level of goading provokes even the most placid to retaliate and the quarrel commences.

Some people are just born argumentative, stick them in an empty room and they would have a good old altercation!  But it is these people that do end up arguing alone, in fact they just end up alone as arguing as much as a survival skill can become tiresome and repetitive and lets face it boring! 

Why do we argue?  Is it as simple as we just don’t agree about something or is it about wanting to be right or blaming others? 

The reality and human nature is that people will never see eye to eye all the time, maybe not even some of the time whether they in a love or in a relationship, friendship or a business partnership.

And sometimes the differences experienced don’t actually make it to the argument/heated debate stage, but the disagreements still remain and stay and just keeping visiting like an unwanted guest! 

Therefore, an easy prediction is that most people have much the same arguments most of the time.

Arguments are commonplace and part of our existence, no matter how much we wish to live in harmony, they happen! 

I am sure you will agree some degree of conflict can be healthy, as it allows us to express ourselves rather than keeping everything inside and letting emotions fester.  But do you find you are the instigator or are you just the one caught in the crossfire of conflict wanting to wave the white flag but buggered if you’re going to?

An argument in my mind and world is very similar to an onion (I love onions, excellent for thinning the blood or so I am told! – not so good for your breath…). The outer layer represents what you speak about otherwise known as the symptoms, whilst the deeper layers beneath represent the deeper issues that lie beneath which is the cause.

Sometimes arguing can be a difficult and longwinded process in making any progress and you can go round and round in circles or just leave it in mid flow and then return to it on another day, another time and another place and guess what exactly the same things will be said and once again stalemate sets in with feelings riding high once more.  An argument unsettles a relationship, no matter what the relationship is.

The mantra never go to sleep on an argument is excellent advice as its harder to get rid of angry thoughts after a night’s sleep, which means it is better to resolve the issue before dozing off.  The brain struggles to “suppress negative, emotional memories” and the next day because sleeping reorganises how new information is stored and processed, it moves it short-term to long-term memory; bit like an overnight filing system in place.

Not being able to let go of bad memories can have a devastating effect on our health,

However, many arguments are not about the facts of what happened but how it is remembered and the trigger, in itself might be quite small, but the result normally is much bigger and a huge row evolves!

Conflict in life is inevitable. It’s how you deal with it that counts. Learning ways to handle disagreements constructively is crucial in any relationship

So, what can be done?  If you’re arguing all the time, or when simple disagreements end up either in a hostile sponsored silence situation or a screaming match?   If arguing happens on a regular basis, it can really start to take a toll or leave you wondering whether the person you are arguing with is at all compatible with you?  Were they ever (what did you see in them in the first place) or should they even be in your life? (if they weren’t you wouldn’t be arguing!)

As envisaged there are a huge amount of reasons why we argue ranging from sex to household chores to money and holidays and a lot more; the list is exhaustive, and it depends what yanks your chain!  But even if you pick your battles; these are certain to ring some bells …

Sex

I don’t believe this is numero uno, but it’s without doubt a subject high on the list to causes fall outs in and out of the bedroom.  Usually either one person wants more, or one person wants less!  Or in worst-case scenarios; both. 

Interestingly if we believe stats about how often men think about sex no wonder it causes an argument or two!  Every 7 seconds – Really?  A total of 514 times an hour or approximately 7,200 times during each waking day.   

This sort of outlandish prediction implies men are sex-crazed pigs therefore have a small thought capacity to be able to only fit so many thoughts into their mental arena like football and being selfish (want a row?) But luckily new research is on hand and has shown it is more like 19 thoughts about sex in a day (so only 18 more than women!). 

Household Chores

Slob or control freak?   Or perhaps both slobs and both control freaks?  At the end of the day it doesn’t matter as long as you agree! 

However, there is nothing worse than someone who picks fault and criticises and only does just that!  Doesn’t help, doesn’t pull their weight in lightening the load! 

Uneven chore-splitting can be responsible for eroding the partnership, just chipping away slowly and triggering a lot of bitterness and resentment.

When there is unrest over the allocation of household chores, the stress level in your home will increase tremendously. Conflict over domestic duties is second only to conflict over money in terms of its impact.  The degree to which housework is shared is now one of the two most important predictors of a woman’s satisfaction and studies show women feel more sexually attracted to partners who pitch in. (so come on men and get your marigolds to the ready!)

Accepting there are limits to the amount that the other is capable of changing, (especially when he pretends on countless occasions not to know how to use the hoover!) is the secret of solving this conundrum. (Or, continue arguing and cut the fingers off his allocated pairs of marigolds).

The best thing is to come up with chores that you’re each responsible for. One thing though to remember, if you entrust your man with a chore, don’t rip him apart for how he does it. (as this is exactly what he wants – do that and expect to never ask him again!)  You need to grin and bear it and don’t react.  Accept that it may not be done the exact way you want it, which can be tough sometimes but necessary if you want him to continue to help (just stock up on the G&T and count to 10!).

Socks

If you’re not coming across dirty ones, odd ones, you’re being accused of losing them during the washing cycle or kidnapping just the one out of spite!

Try not to fume. Kick his dirty socks under the bed, stop trying to hunt the missing sock and suggest he does his own washing so he can keep track on these woolly little movers and shakers and you can get on with more important things!

False Memory Syndrome or Selective Memory Syndrome

Have you noticed how many arguments are not about the facts of what happened, but how it is remembered.   

Its part of the course that people tend to remember what suits to put themselves in the best light which makes it difficult to work out what actually went wrong in a disagreement as each party uses their imagination to supplement a memory or indeed, create memory.

This is rich territory for conflict, so less of the porkie pies for a bit of peace and quiet!

Blame Addiction

One thing most of us don’t grow out of is that when things go wrong, we need someone to blame. Deflection is both a tactic and an instinct used where any attempt to talk about conditions, feelings, or actual behaviour is met with a barrage of argument and blame of others.

It produces a climate of contentiousness that takes over any situation.

Introverts blame themselves. Extroverts blame other people. I just blame everyone!

Holidays

Holidays are the gap between hope and reality and that’s the killer.

Like Christmas and Birthdays, they can be the recipe for disaster and disappointment which can then lead to conflict. If things go wrong or your expectations are not met, you look for someone to blame.  Plus, the concentration of social interaction required during these 14-day breaks means an influx of noticeable annoying habits and behaviours that usually are bearable but quickly turn toxic when you’re together all day and all night. Life is an absolutely beach!

Children

If you have a family, many arguments tend to be about those little people in the household who are not yet fully mature, otherwise known as children, although it doesn’t stop even when they become bigger! (you just argue over different things!)

All relationships are adversely affected by having children and we are more likely to argue moreso after having them, especially when children are under 5.  The pressures of juggling family life causes many a row along the unsteady pathway of parenthood. 

Instead of arguing try some quiet rational negotiation leading to a sensible mutual outcome during these volatile times which my friend, is as likely as a visit from Mary Poppins.

Fundamentally it figures things can become more problematic and harder to negotiate when two become three. And when three becomes four and four becomes five….

Money

This can be the most evilest of all arguments; a humdinger of a topic to chew over!  Who earns the most? Who gave up their career to look after the children? Should the breadwinner pay the lion share of everything?

Money is one of the main reasons why couples argue and if you don’t see eye to eye when it comes to spending and saving, you’re likely to have quite a few disagreements. (money cant buy you love!)

Relatives

The gap between your own perceptions of your family and your partner’s is usually considerable. Also, your parents relationship will have provided you with a template, consciously or unconsciously, for the way you relate.

And what about if he doesn’t like your brother or you cant stand his mum?  Truth is, there’s no getting away from relatives, even when they’re hundreds of miles away. And if you are in a blended family, take all these difficulties and multiply them by a hundred and never agree to go on holiday!

Nothing can start fights in relationships quicker than other family members. There’s bound to be trouble in paradise when others start butting into your intimate affairs and the most you can do is limit your exposure to them.  You cant choose your family, but you can choose your….

Friends

Just as family has the tendency to get involved when they are not required to get involved, so too do friends.

However, no person should ever have to give up their friends to be in a relationship as time apart is just as important as time together. I be there for you - but at the right time and place!

Maps

Thank god for Sat Navs!  Although they too can cause an argument and sometimes you can find yourself in the car alone having an argument with it! 

But for anyone who has tried to navigate a route having been placed into this position of responsibility of being co-pilot, it can be harrowing and stressful. 

All you wanted was to sit and stare at the view and passing countryside, but now your being blamed for saying left when it’s right and right when it should have been left and not noticing the sign that said you’re here! 

Resist the urge to lash out or bypass the child locks and throw yourself out of the moving vehicle!

Roll down the window and get some air, you are not crying with anger or hyperventilating... just breathing calmly which should inevitably influence the arsehole at the wheels mood and if it doesn’t then catch a cab for your return journey!

Jealousy

Jealousy is a universal emotion in humans.  Even though so common, many people find it difficult to deal with and fully resolve. Feeling jealous usually makes you feel a mixture of insecurity, feeling threatened, or even weak?

Are you honestly concerned about their interest in others? Or the interest others show in them? (have you done a reality check on the situation- is he more likely to pull a muscle at his age than another woman?)

The style you communicate can also determine whether a discussion turns into an argument in how you express those jealous thoughts.  Do you do it immediately (mouth in gear before brain switched on?), or after you've cooled down? Is it in front of others or behind closed doors?

Do you really listen to each other when either of you is speaking or are you just busy thinking of the next way to refute the argument? Clear and honest communication is essential dealing with the green-eyed jealousy monster in a healthy and effective way. (No one not even Shrek looks good green!)

Infidelity

If one of you has been unfaithful in the past, it can haunt your relationship for years to come. (whhhoooo – sound of haunting!)  Even if you’ve decided to move beyond it and try to get your relationship back in shape.  The person who was cheated on is often left with that lingering doubt whether it will ever happen again, as shit happens regularly.

When one-person cheats, it’s because of much deeper issues in the relationship. So, if one or both of you is finding it difficult to forgive and forget, you may need to learn how to deal with betrayal the smart way. (or alternatively just don’t cheat!).

Work

Sometimes work gets in the way of even the best of relationships. Different hours, different commuting distances, different problems to deal with daily; all just begging to darken our mood and be the basis of an argument on arrival home.

But if you have had a bad day at work don’t take it out on your loved ones becoming a nasty version of yourself who starts noticing little things that in the bigger picture don’t mean anything and should never constitute an argument!

But sometimes you just can’t help yourself – you’re over the threshold and you need someone to take your nasty little mood out on.

“What have you been doing all day?  This house is a mess.  When will dinner be ready?” Really?  Twat!

Extracurricular Activities

Just as work can take up too much of one partner’s time, so can extracurricular activities.

If one of you is always out doing social events or enjoying dabbling in your hobbies and pastimes alone, of course there will be issues.  However, those endless hours of watching football and white noise created from the crowds repetitive chants can be just as bad!

Social Media

This is the argument starter of the new age. So many people fight about Facebook posts, Twitter tweets and every other form of social media.

Visiting your ex's profile page is not only unnecessary but simply the word ex should be rationale enough for this statement!  By making a few keystrokes, it can cause alot of problems and destroys relationships.

Sending people messages is simply begging for bad feelings to emerge, fester and explode into an exchange of brutal words.

One of the worst things you can do is post something about your partner or your disagreement. Those intimate details are no business for all your friends and family to see.  To stay happy stay off facebook and start appreciating what you actually have!

Exes

Unless his or your old flames are actively trying to contact you or woo one of you back, obsessing over people from the past isn't worth your breath.

Avoid bringing them up, and you'll avoid pointless fights. After all, there's nothing they can do about his past and neither can you.  You are the chosen one which is a good way to dodge the bullet!

Television

What is the draw to the remote control?  The power that this little bit of plastic with a choice of buttons has is at times astounding!  And why does he insist of keeping it with him at all times during viewing?  (even taking it to the toilet just in case you go wild and explore random channels under his radar whilst he is gone).

There are more arguments about what is to be watched then anything else and yet half the time theres nothing on to watch!

 

Arguing isn’t communication – it’s a noise!

You cant argue with ignorance!