A LIFE LESSON WITH MY NAN

BY LK MAYNARD

(MUST BE READ IN A NORTHERN ACCENT!)

ONCE SHOPPING WITH MY NAN SHE TURNED HER HANDBAG INSIDE OUT, WHEN THE SECURITY GUARD STARTED TO SHOUT, ‘STOP THIEF!’ I SAID NAN WHATS THAT ALL ABOUT YOU SILLY OLD TROUT? 

HER MEMORY MUST BE FADING AND THE 10-YEAR-OLD ME COULDN’T SEE THAT SHE WAS TRYING TO MAKE AN ESCAPE, AND THE CAPE SHE HAD STOLEN WAS HANGING OUT OF HER POCKET! 

BUT NOW I REALISE WHAT I DIDN’T AS A CHILD, ALL MEEK AND MILD, CAUSE I DO EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID – NOT THE STEALING, NEVER APPEALING! 

BUT IVE GOT HER SPEED, AS SHE TOOK THE LEAD AND WE SCARPERED UP THE ROAD.  IN HER OWN WAY SHE WAS JUST FUNNY BUT HARD AND GOT HERSELF BARRED BUT AT LEAST WE DIDN’T GET CAUGHT BY THE SECURITY GUARD AND FINALLY IT MAKES SENSE TO ME!

A LOYAL FAN BY LK MAYNARD 

HE WENT TO EVERY MATCH IN HIS SIXITIES AND SEVENTIES

BUT NOW AT ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT MY DAD IS STILL KEEN AND AVIDLY FOLLOWS

BUT HIS EYES ARE NOT SO GOOD

SO WE LISTEN TOGETHER AND EAT LUNCHEON MEAT ROLLS

WHILST I REPLAY THE GOALS!

4am - Friends - A Reality Check - by LK Maynard

I can call you at 4 in the morning

And you do

And that’s how I know

What a dirty rotten temper you really have

'BROTHERS' - A SONG OF FEUDING KIN By LK Maynard

“Brothers”

“I like beer
and I like wine
I like gaming
and I like staying in bed.

You drive me up the wall,
you bug me,
but we are obliged to be devoted as ‘we are relatives’.

We’re just two leaves on a fraternal plant
with features alike
droopy eyes and muscular thighs
we lay this at the door of an inherited flaw.

We are brothers, we have the same procreator
brothers, we’d rather have a sister
brothers, we endure one another
it’s the minimum we can do.

We are brothers, I admit I dislike him
brothers, and if you don’t like him
brothers, we can’t go to the gym
oooh brothers.