OH MY DAYS!  OH OUR DADS!

As much as we love that man called our Dad, they can be an annoying, infuriating bunch and at times drive you absolutely bananas!

So, what are the things that drive you up the wall, frost your cupcakes, get on your nerves or make you want to jump off something high where your old man is concerned? 

First on the agenda is Dad dancing.  Those random public displays normally demonstrated in areas not wide enough to accommodate the flailing arms, air guitar breakouts and those classic unforgettable dance moves.   

Not only does he bop along to some crazy tunes, but his boomer choice of music in general is far from trendy and at times makes you want to wish Capital Gold off the airwaves as sounds of the 80’s blast out – classics of the time overtake the homely atmosphere with the sound of doors shutting and appliances being plugged in to drown out yet another appearance of Madonna’s 'Vogue' turned to full volume.   

However, chill your beans and cut them some slack as you need to remember that on average people stop learning new dance moves from the age of 25 - so any party pieces or shape thrown are likely to be decades old when they are performed.  

Next is when he suddenly breaks out in his version or uses his limited knowledge of youth slang in front of your friends making you instantly cringe!  It is normally outdated, and his youthful lingo does nothing but put you on edge!   

He randomly shouts out ‘Gucci’ for something good or cool, or without any notice throws in abbreviated words into their raw letter form like TBH (to be honest) and GOAT (Greatest of All Time)!   His verbal show of appreciation is recognised by his repeated use of the term savage (meaning cool) in accepting anything/ watching anything/meeting anyone and is quickly grating on your nerves and becoming totally tedious!  

And another thing; surely to Moses at his age he would have outgrown any public displays of affection he feels the need to show the woman in his life whether it be your mum/step mum/his latest love interest – Get a room!   Theres nothing worse than seeing this ageing patriarchal figure publicly playing tonsil tennis!  - So stop the slobbering and sit down!  Sorry pops had to be done and served with a volley right back at you! - Love all! 

What could be cooler than Ray-Ban Aviators? Stonewashed ripped skinny jeans and a cheesy tropical-print Hawaiian shirt with a Saint Laurent label on show?  Dad style automatically gets a bad rap as you don’t want your Daddy to become ‘The Daddy’ and turn into a greying haired or balding homeboy! 

You pray for the day that he begins to wear age inappropriate clothes! 

Placing signage for No Socks & Sandals/No Tank Tops/No Overalls/No Mock Turtlenecks/No Beanie Hats and top of the shop with the largest placard of all for 'No Speedos' may work, but only when he puts his glasses on rather than second guessing and getting muddled and goodness the results can be oh so wrong!  Should have gone to Specsavers!

When the suns out he needs to refrain from getting those ageing guns out in full view of your friends who have no choice but to witness and admire his beer baby belly along with the confirmation that the abs left this body building a long time ago!  

What is it with the absolutely terrible cringeworthy jokes? Think about it… every dad on this earth seems to be armed with an arsenal of really bad jokes up his sleeve ready to use for any and every occasion.  Take comfort in knowing that you are you are not alone. There are lots of groups of dad joke survivors so hang in there! …

This is a man that cannot help but occasionally and always badly timed feel the need to share a catalogue of embarrassing anecdotes or baby stories that spill from his mental tap and gush. 

At any moment he can blurt out the most horrendous memories resulting in you hoping that his lack of DIY skills will mean the floor will open up and swallow you whole!   

Social media has been the invitation to the world you wish hadn’t been sent to him – his presence on Facebook is too prevalent and why does he feel the need to post so many family photos and send Friend Requests to everyone you know?   

It’s a strange thing how he mimics everyone in the household and if voices raise he becomes the echo feigning fake whining and strange noises not relating to how anyone actually sounds! 

His obsession and love affair with sports is at least consistent but really?  How much sport can anyone wish to watch as after all its normally just people running around with a ball getting paid far too much money! 

It is interesting how Dad knows the scores of every game that plays and yet cannot remember his own mobile phone number!

Your pater never shuts up and even when he goes to bed he continues his vocal presence by snoring way too loud and way too much!  He transforms into an old grizzly in the bedroom which fascinates others and becomes the topic of conversation for any sleepover – he wakes full of annoying beans the following day whilst everyone else’s mood has been compromised by his nightly noisy antics! 

A family day out means everyone in the family car; a place that until you can learn to drive becomes a locked chamber on wheels where there are times you feel as though you have been hijacked as he talks continuously over any cool songs or insists on everyone listening to sporting commentary or results for the whole journey. 

Being useless at tech in general, it seems that nothing freaks him out more than internet multitasking. When he sees a particularly active and full computer screen, you cannot help but notice, he reacts like a flurry of rabid bats have appeared and started to bite his face! 

He is the head honcho who cannot comprehend and won’t even entertain the idea of reading a book or a feature-length piece of text on a screen smaller than an iPad which stresses him out like his refusal to ever go to the doctor!  However ,interestingly as soon as you say you feel unwell his first reaction is to enquire what did the doctor say! 

As for backing up or updating his iPhone/iPad or computer, talking to him about external hard drives or "the new iOS" is like trying to communicate to in Morse code.   

He is the only dude you know that googles 'please' and 'thank you' with every request he makes and has in-depth conversations with Siri often ending in an argument and a fall out with this computerised fountain of all knowledge. 

His selfies continue to be dodgy, those he remembers to stop his finger from covering the lens as he randomly snaps himself in a variety of different dad poses! 

And finally and probably the most annoying of all is when he drinks too much as this results in all the above in one fell swoop! Whoa Papa!

Advice For Dads:

Try to remember how embarrassing your own Dad was and then vow not to repeat the cycle.

Know that you are loved by your children as their Dad, not their mate - you are unique & irreplaceable!

Cool clothes are cool mainly because of the person wearing them, not the clothes themselves -they are not a magic cloak of youthfulness, more a mirror where your actual age is highlighted.

Advice For You:

Try to remember he is only trying to show how much he loves you - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and copying you is his way of demonstrating how proud of you he is.

Dads mental ages are way, way lower than the ages on their birth certificates.

If all else fails, ignore him.

He is hoping your behaviour in your teens is "just a phase"; here's hoping his behaviour is just a phase too

Advice For Both:

Be yourself - young or old - and love yourself and what you do that makes you happy.

All these annoying trait, past times and activities will always give you plenty to talk about!

Lifes too short!